A Bird Threw Up On My Car

As I was driving I noticed that the passenger side mirror was covered in muck. Visibility equaled zero. When I pulled into my destination and got out of the car I checked the passenger side door and realized the problem. A bird decided to take a dump/vomit all over my car. It was disgusting. Not only had the crap exploded on the mirror but it was all over the passenger side door and window.

Of course we all have to take care of business, but how can such a small animal create such a giant mess? That question will perplex me and probably the rest of us till the end of time. Thanks for nothing little birdie. Tweet tweet.

Somehow people in nice cars make the worst drivers

As I pulled into a fancy restaurant to grab my take out, I was stuck behind some shmohawk in a nice Mercedes... or Lexus... or was it a BMW? Who knows? The point is, all these people in classy cars have no driving sense. While the man in front of me had a plethora of parking spots to choose from, he decided to dilly dally in his choice. Thus, I became very frustrated.

Finally he began pulling into a parking spot on his right. Of course, being a crappy driver, the man misread the turn and proceeded to do the awkward move forward/back up to align himself properly in the spot. Meanwhile, I waited impatiently watching this loser and his inability to park. Dude, if you can't maneuver your highly expensive and snazzy vehicle give it to those less fortunate, more appreciative, and overall better drivers. If not, keep your precious baby in the garage and stay off the road.

The Airline Industry Mind Fuck

I had the great pleasure of flying today. Umm, not!

As I checked in at the kiosk I noticed I was assigned to seat 25E. Personally, I prefer the front of the plane, so I selected the "change seat" application in search of something better. The only seat available (at least according to the computer) was 20D, the middle seat and a mere five rows up. I figured I might as well keep the seat I have and ask again at the gate.

Once I got to the gate I asked the man behind the counter to see if some other seats were available. Low and behold there were. My new seat, drum roll please... 10D. How come when I tried to find a better seat nothing came up, but when the airline employee searched he found one without a problem? Mind fuck number one.

The flight was delayed about twenty minutes, so when it came time for boarding we all hustled onto the plane to get ready for takeoff. I carried my single piece of luggage onto the plane and as I was about to place it in a completely empty overhead bin, one of the flight attendants approached me. She said I could not put my luggage in that bin  because it was directly above a business class seat. However, I was sitting one row behind the business class and the overhead above my seat was completely full. Therefore, thinking like a logical person it made sense for me to just use the empty storage. The flight attendant would not budge on her ludicrous policy. She claimed we had to wait and see if anymore business class passengers were going to board the plane. Let me tell you - nobody did. And even if they had, there still would have been plenty of room because it was completely empty. 

Instead of continuing an argument with the moron I decided to place my bag under one of the two empty seats next to me. Yes you heard me right. I had an aisle all to myself. Guess there were plenty of seats available after all. Anyway, we were about to takeoff and the flight attendants were checking the cabin one last time. A different flight attendant noticed my piece of luggage on the floor. While the bag was mostly under the seat, it stuck out a bit. The lady proceeded to take my bag and put it... just take a guess. Yep, she placed my bag in the overhead bin above the business class seat. 

Thankfully I made it home safely, but not after a couple of great mind fucks thanks to the quality airline industry.

Battling for the arm rest

The age old battle for the armrest hasn't gotten any easier. At the movies, on a plane, or in the car, the battle ensues and only one person can be named the victor.

Getting your elbow onto the armrest is the best way to lay claim. While the image above shows all parties involved in the armrest enjoyment, the true owner of the rest is the one with the elbows in place. Eventually those with only the forearm will remove themselves from the competition by their own free will or because the elbower will slyly push them out of his territory. 

While some people might enjoy sitting in a chair with their hands in theirs laps, let's be honest, if the armrest exists, then it's the place to be. Don't be afraid to take control of the situation early. In the battle for the armrest, all is fair -- so get in some good elbow jabs and forceful nudges. If not, you'll be lookin' like a fool sitting there with restless arms. 

And nobody likes a fool...