Master of the Double Edged Sword

Mother's Day Is Upon Us

2010-05-07T06:54:00.000-07:00

Another year, another Hallmark Holiday... Mother's Day. I really find nothing wrong with buying my mom a gift and showing my appreciation, but picking out gifts for people is hard. Ok, sure I can go with the cookie cutter, cliched gifts of flowers and a card. It will do the trick. The five seconds of shock and awe that I did something may be worth the price, but my common sense kicks in. Why buy a gift that will be dead in a week? Plus, why buy some shmaltzy card that I could have created on my own?

And thus the pressure mounts as the search for the perfect gift continues.

Nothing Like a Good Run

2010-05-03T07:05:00.001-07:00

In high school I used to be a big runner, not a fast or talented one, I just used to run a lot - anywhere from 7-10 miles a week. In college I kept up the tradition but by senior year, either from old age or tennis, or both, my knees started to hurt and it made running rather uncomfortable. Plus, the altitude in Colorado doesn't help.

These days the only running I do is for the Turkey Trot - whether I am prepared or not I run the 10k Thanksgiving Day Race every year. It is tradition.

I could say I miss running, but let's face it that would be a lie. Why run when you can walk, bike, or even drive for that matter? While I don't miss the actual act of running, I do miss that sense of accomplishment that comes after getting through a tough run, you know, that on top of the world feeling.

Today, I grabbed my iPod and walked outside with the intention to walk, but something came over me. I had that runner blood flow going, the kind where the run isn't torturous but actually enjoyable. Ok, I did walk a little bit along the way, but the last 1.5 miles I ran.

The tunes were pumping, I had a solid running rhythm going, and yeah... did I mention that I was running? Rounding third and heading home I began to raise my arms in triumph like Rocky. Alright, that part is a lie, but I sure felt like Rocky running on top of the steps of the Capitol Building in Philadelphia.

As for tomorrow - I'll probably be back to walking.

Nike, My Sneaker Adonis

2010-05-02T09:53:00.000-07:00

I am sneaker obsessed, Nike kicks in particular. You know, the ones made in Malaysia by children sweat shop workers. *Ok that last sentence was sarcasm. But yes I do truly love nike sneakers.

Instead of collecting works of art I collect sneakers. And even though I have way more than I could possibly wear or use, I want my collection to grow and grow. They are so freaking cool. My sneaker fetish started a few years ago, when Nike decided to kick it old school with their retro look, and ever since I have been hooked. Currently my count of Nike shoes stands at 7, my total collection of awesome trainers stands at 10.

I used to go for the 50/50 split of comfort and style when buying shoes but now the breakdown looks like this 80- style, 20- comfort. Of course I won't wear any blister machines, but style must come first. I've also found it possible to color coordinate most of my Nike sneakers with a matching hoodie.

And when there is time to spare, I visit Nikeid.com and play around with my own creations.

Nike is so awesome that they've even made tennis shoes look cool to wear. Now that is impressive, and almost too good to be true. But my three most recent pairs of tennis kicks stand as daily reminders.

Thanks again Nike for truly being my sneaker Adonis.

The Test of a True Gentleman

2010-05-01T07:23:00.000-07:00

Today as I headed to my weekly body sculpt class, I ran into the question of what makes a true gentleman? I was right behind a guy who I have seen at the club many times and we have a mutual friend. His first misstep came in the form of not holding the door open for me, but that really wasn't the kicker.

This class is packed every Saturday, and today was no exception. I had to run to another room and get two risers - one for me and one for my friend (the mutual friend in fact). I placed my risers on the ground and was headed to pick up some other materials when the dude in question nabbed one of my risers. He did not ask if it was saved for someone else. He did not ask if he could take it. He just took it as if it were no big deal. Hmm... maybe I am blowing this out of proportion, but whatever happened to a little common courtesy?

A minute or so later, my friend who I had been saving the spot for arrived. She was perplexed as to why she had no riser. And then I told her, "your so called gentleman friend is not such a gentleman afterall." Actually, my language was a little more descriptive (wink-wink).

Acting nice and polite to a fellow friend or person of a similar disposition would not be the qualifications of a gentleman, but rather, not doing such things would simply make that person an ass.

A true gentleman is one who treats everyone with the same generosity of spirit - friend, foe, or stranger. Now the question of what makes a lady... I shall leave that for another day.

Does anyone really write in cursive anymore?

2009-08-22T16:38:00.000-07:00

I remember back in the 3rd grade when I first learned how to write in cursive. We had those practice sheets where we would trace over the dotted letters making beautiful S's and G's. We were told that writing in such a fashion is faster than regular print. After years of writing papers, notes, etc. I must say I disagree.

In order to write legibly in such an old school manner, it takes countless time and includes painstaking efforts. Oh and did I mention the hand cramps? Seriously, why write in cursive when you can just write in print?

Growing up in the computer age, it doesn't make much sense to write anything in fact. However, when forced to write I will always choose print over cursive. The only two words I ever write in cursive are my name and that doesn't count because it falls under the signature category.

While it would be frustrating enough to write in cursive, I find it more annoying trying to translate the chicken scratch older people send me in their foreign language of script. If you are going to write me a letter in cursive it darn well better be polished... like Declaration of Independence feather pen style, or at least do the courtesy of sending a translator along with the package. If not, then don't waste your time because I will not be able to comprehend your medieval handwriting.

Moral of the story - choose print over scribbilish cursive because that junk is way out of style.

Friendship bracelets

2009-08-18T18:31:00.001-07:00

People are never too old to wear friendship bracelets. At least I'm not. I wear my bracelets/anklets proudly. I've never been a crafty person. I don't crochet, make wind charms, or capture scenic images on canvas. I do however make bracelets, anklets, and lanyards. Even as an adult, well young adult, I admit they are awesome.

I first got into the bracelet making scene as a pre-teen. Made my mom buy all the string along with a book of instructions and I got to work. However, as time went by I lost touch with the age old art of friendship bracelets. Thankfully Mr. Presnal, my junior year chemistry teacher brought back my love of the quintessential bracelet. His class was so utterly pointless that it required zero attention as a student. So in the back of the class I re-learned my lost art. It was a great way to pass time during fifth period.

A few years later, as a camp counselor in the Adirondacks, I had renewed spirit once again. This time I learned of the camp wrist, in which girls adorn their entire arm, at least up to the elbow, with friendship bracelets. Pretty sweet. I generally stick to a max of three on an arm, but I have sported four anklets at a time.

There is really nothing like a friendship bracelet - cheap, easy to make, sentimental, and Awesome with a capital A.

Interclub women's tennis

2009-08-18T18:30:00.001-07:00

And I thought junior tennis was ridiculous. Well interclub ladies tennis brings that scenario to a whole new extreme. Tennis is life, that is the motto of a desperate housewife who dedicates her entire existence to knowing the ins, outs, and oh so mind boggling details of every player on every team.

"She has a nasty slice."

"All she does is lob."

"She is a notorious hooker." In tennis talk, that is one who makes bad line calls, but hey she could be a hooker too.

"She is too young to play; she shouldn't be on that team." The most common remark directed at me.

The list of complaints and comments goes on and on, then it goes on some more. Recently I played a match against a team that walks with such an aura of superiority, you would think A-Rod had just graced us with his presence. But no, it is just a bunch of ridiculous ladies who belong to a wealthy tennis club.

Anwyay, within the first couple games of the match I threw up a crappy lob so instinctively I yelled "watch it!" And why do I say "watch it" you ask? Basically, I am just letting my partner know it is time to get away from the net.

Turns out my opponent, who then proceeded to dump the easy ball into the net, was not too happy about my so-called outburst. She told me I cannot say that and I should "watch it" myself or else she was gunning for me. WTF? Where do these pyscho ladies come from? They are such an utter disgrace to the game.

It's ok, I won.

Voicemail, ugh

2009-08-18T18:24:00.002-07:00

In the wonderful world of texting, why do people still leave voicemails? For the one leaving the voicemail you must wait for the automated person to get through the to do list. "I'm sorry the number you have dialed is unavaible, please wait for the tone. Press pound if you want more options. Press 1 if you want to leave a voicemail." And that annoying naggy voice continues until you are finally relieved by the BEEP. Time to leave the message you have been waiting to leave all along, but you have spent the past minute impatiently listening, just trying to get to this point, that you have forgotten what you wanted to say.

Now for the one who must retrieve the voicemail, the hassles are much the same. Again you are taken through a list of options from the annoying automated person until you finally get to hear the voicemail. A voicemail that has been building in hype, not because it is anything exciting, but rather because of all the time spent waiting. Drum roll please...

And what is on the other end of that voicemail in most cases - a suggestion that person A should call person B so they can either talk for real or meet up in person. So again I ask: in the wonderful world of texting, why leave a voicemail when the same message can be sent, delivered, received, and responded to in the same time it would take to simply leave your voice recording? Yeah not making too much sense now.

Message sent*

The Pressure of Picking Produce

2009-08-18T18:24:00.001-07:00

A trip to the grocery store can include a wide range of experiences. When picking up milk and bread there isn't much to it, same goes for most non-perishable items. However, when making your way to the produce section, do you begin to feel the pressure? The beads of sweat start dripping down as you hope to pick a winner and not a dud.

The vegetables are not as hard to manage because you can pretty easily tell the good from the bad, but the fruit picking is another story. There is nothing worse than bringing home a watermelon from the store in hopes of a delicious and refreshing summer treat only to find upon cutting it open that the watermelon is mealy and flavorless. Oh my - it is an awful feeling.

Unfortunately, the watermelon isn't the only one to cause such pain. The same goes for apples - Braeburn especially, oranges, mangos, and a plethora of others. No wonder people spend so much time smelling and touching their fruit items in the hopes of preventing such a catastrophe. However, the taste of bad fruit cannot always be avoided.

If I only knew of some full proof methods to test out the fruit while in the store. But alas, I am just as mystified as the next person. I've seen people knock on watermelon to hear for a hollow sound, or something like that, but who really knows until you take the knife to that delectable piece of fruit skin.

I wish I had better advice to offer, I wish I could make the pressure go away, but all I can really do is wish you the best of luck on your next trip to the produce section.

Autographs Are Overrated

2009-08-18T16:17:00.000-07:00

I don't quite understand the obsession with getting a celebrity's autograph. I mean honestly, what is so cool about having a Derek Jeter signed baseball? Well, in that case, it would be pretty cool. But seriously, for the most part, autographs are illegible and insignificant. They are only worth something if you sell them to some nut-job who values the autograph more than you. Thankfully for the autograph junkies of the world, there are plenty of nut-jobs to go around.

I guess the autograph obsession relates to the overall celebrity obsession. People think it is exciting to meet a celebrity. Yet, what they apparently don't know is this - celebrities are pretty boring. They drink, they pee, they sleep, and they put one pant leg on at a time just like anyone else.

Perhaps if we could be a part of a celebrity entourage, then we could truly feel special. You are not going to become best friends with Jennifer Aniston - sorry, but that is a pipe dream. Remember superstars need the fans more than we need them. Without the constant adoration from the public they would be nothing. Therefore, don't let them have the power, and don't be awed by their overall boringness. If you want a good story to tell then make it happen yourself. I hear cow tipping is one way to go.

The Problem With Costco

2009-08-18T15:57:00.000-07:00

On a recent trip to Costco I realized my problem with the place. The supersized packaging turns generally good looking food into a monstrosity. I can't help but feel like a glutton when I see a block of cheese the size of my torso or frozen dumplings that could last me through the next year.

Of course Costco isn't all bad. The gigundo lotion containers, nature valley bars, and sample sections are pretty sweet. However, the mass quantities of meat or cheese can certainly make my stomach start doing somersaults.

And what about the people that fill up an entire shopping cart full of food? Are they saving up for the Apocalypse or are they seriously that hungry? Come on people - no wonder America has weight issues. Nobody needs two tons of chips or a massive box of brownie mix. Did you ever wonder how they came up with the nickname Two-Ton Tessie? Glad I cleared that up for you.

Honestly, I think Costo, Sams, and Walmart Supercenters are great. You can do some wonderful bargain shopping, but just because everthing they sell is in large, unbelievable, rhino-sized quantities, does not justify the need to buy the store. Try a little balance on for size. It could do the body good.

Buggin' out

2009-06-04T16:29:00.000-07:00

I hate the question – what are you doing with your life? I’m living it, that is what I’m doing.

What is the measure of success? Somehow at age 23 I feel like a failure because I haven’t figured out my life. It’s called the quarter-life crisis. And from what I’ve heard I get to endure another crisis once I hit 50. Why is there so much pressure to fulfill expectations – our own, our parents, society’s? If I never win an award on TV or make a six-figure salary, does that mean I’ve failed? I hope not, but somehow it feels that way. Why can’t I just enjoy my life? I want to explore, I want to stumble, and I want to have fun. Along the way I imagine I’ll discover a few things about myself and the world with which I live. It’s not like I enjoy this stumbling process of young adulthood. Life would be so much easier if I knew, simply knew exactly what I wanted to do. But there are so many things I want to do, see, and pursue and through that jumbled maze I get lost in all the choices.

Britney Spears is back and better than ever

2009-05-03T07:56:00.000-07:00

Britney Spears is back -- booyakasha! The early days of Britney, well I was not such a fan. But ever since Britney broke down and went crazy her music and image has grabbed my interest. Take the song "Piece of Me" for example.

Here is the first verse:

I'm Miss American Dream since I was 17

Don't matter if I step on the scene or sneak away to the Philippines

They still gon' put pictures of my derriere in the magazine

You want a piece of me? You want a piece of me?

Finally Britney shed her former pristine image and owned up to the fact that being a celebrity is crazy. Now that's the Britney I like to see -- back from rehab, an awful buzz cut, and better than ever. "Blackout" was quite an impressive album.

Her most recent album "Circus" is also rather amazing. The title song is currently one of my faves.

Here is the first verse of "Circus":

There's only two types of people in the world

The ones that entertain and the ones that observe

Well baby, I'm a put-on-a-show kind of girl

Don't like the backseat, gotta be first

Who can't relate to that? These days Britney isn't the annoying people pleaser she once was; instead, she tells it like it is. And I for one am lovin' it!

Where did that chair come from?

2009-05-03T07:37:00.000-07:00

Have you ever noticed trash on the side of the highway? Recently, I've seen a wooden chair, part of a mattress, and a hitchhiker. Obviously I'm not surprised to see regular trash on the highway i.e., cans, wrappers, bags, etc. However, I can't help but wonder who is throwing out a chair? Seriously, who is driving at 60 mph and thinks to himself, "you know what, I think it is time to ditch this chair. I'm just gonna toss it out the window." Who does that? Well clearly someone is doing it because I notice random pieces of trash all the time.

People Shouldn't Steal Your Money. That's Right Uncle Sam I'm talking To You!

2009-04-14T17:55:00.000-07:00

The true entrance into adulthood isn't graduating from college or nabbing down that first job. Nope, it's paying your taxes and watching the government steal your hard earned money. Granted I don't even make that much money, so the little money I do make should stay in my responsible hands rather than those of the government.

Need more proof of the government's carelessness check out this link from The Onion, a quality news source.

http://www.theonion.com/content/video/in_the_know_should_the_government

Getting back to the issue of taxes, I just don't get it. Apparently, I still owe the city money for the year 2008 and they already want me to pay up for 2009. They call it the 2009 tax estimate. I mean seriously, they can get away with that?

Wish I could send people nasty notices in the mail and require some form of monetary compensation. Sounds like a much better gig than actually working and seeing half of my paycheck get dumped into the giant money hole called the government.

Time for us to kick it old school and return to the saying that founded this great nation, "No taxation without representation." The fools on Capitol Hill may call themselves representatives, but I'm none too pleased with what they represent.

A Bird Threw Up On My Car

2009-03-31T18:34:00.001-07:00

As I was driving I noticed that the passenger side mirror was covered in muck. Visibility equaled zero. When I pulled into my destination and got out of the car I checked the passenger side door and realized the problem. A bird decided to take a dump/vomit all over my car. It was disgusting. Not only had the crap exploded on the mirror but it was all over the passenger side door and window.

Of course we all have to take care of business, but how can such a small animal create such a giant mess? That question will perplex me and probably the rest of us till the end of time. Thanks for nothing little birdie. Tweet tweet.

Somehow people in nice cars make the worst drivers

2009-03-20T18:26:00.000-07:00

As I pulled into a fancy restaurant to grab my take out, I was stuck behind some shmohawk in a nice Mercedes... or Lexus... or was it a BMW? Who knows? The point is, all these people in classy cars have no driving sense. While the man in front of me had a plethora of parking spots to choose from, he decided to dilly dally in his choice. Thus, I became very frustrated.

Finally he began pulling into a parking spot on his right. Of course, being a crappy driver, the man misread the turn and proceeded to do the awkward move forward/back up to align himself properly in the spot. Meanwhile, I waited impatiently watching this loser and his inability to park. Dude, if you can't maneuver your highly expensive and snazzy vehicle give it to those less fortunate, more appreciative, and overall better drivers. If not, keep your precious baby in the garage and stay off the road.

The Airline Industry Mind Fuck

2009-03-16T13:16:00.000-07:00

I had the great pleasure of flying today. Umm, not!

As I checked in at the kiosk I noticed I was assigned to seat 25E. Personally, I prefer the front of the plane, so I selected the "change seat" application in search of something better. The only seat available (at least according to the computer) was 20D, the middle seat and a mere five rows up. I figured I might as well keep the seat I have and ask again at the gate.

Once I got to the gate I asked the man behind the counter to see if some other seats were available. Low and behold there were. My new seat, drum roll please... 10D. How come when I tried to find a better seat nothing came up, but when the airline employee searched he found one without a problem? Mind fuck number one.

The flight was delayed about twenty minutes, so when it came time for boarding we all hustled onto the plane to get ready for takeoff. I carried my single piece of luggage onto the plane and as I was about to place it in a completely empty overhead bin, one of the flight attendants approached me. She said I could not put my luggage in that bin because it was directly above a business class seat. However, I was sitting one row behind the business class and the overhead above my seat was completely full. Therefore, thinking like a logical person it made sense for me to just use the empty storage. The flight attendant would not budge on her ludicrous policy. She claimed we had to wait and see if anymore business class passengers were going to board the plane. Let me tell you - nobody did. And even if they had, there still would have been plenty of room because it was completely empty.

Instead of continuing an argument with the moron I decided to place my bag under one of the two empty seats next to me. Yes you heard me right. I had an aisle all to myself. Guess there were plenty of seats available after all. Anyway, we were about to takeoff and the flight attendants were checking the cabin one last time. A different flight attendant noticed my piece of luggage on the floor. While the bag was mostly under the seat, it stuck out a bit. The lady proceeded to take my bag and put it... just take a guess. Yep, she placed my bag in the overhead bin above the business class seat.

Thankfully I made it home safely, but not after a couple of great mind fucks thanks to the quality airline industry.

Battling for the arm rest

2009-03-04T19:45:00.000-08:00

The age old battle for the armrest hasn't gotten any easier. At the movies, on a plane, or in the car, the battle ensues and only one person can be named the victor.

Getting your elbow onto the armrest is the best way to lay claim. While the image above shows all parties involved in the armrest enjoyment, the true owner of the rest is the one with the elbows in place. Eventually those with only the forearm will remove themselves from the competition by their own free will or because the elbower will slyly push them out of his territory.

While some people might enjoy sitting in a chair with their hands in theirs laps, let's be honest, if the armrest exists, then it's the place to be. Don't be afraid to take control of the situation early. In the battle for the armrest, all is fair -- so get in some good elbow jabs and forceful nudges. If not, you'll be lookin' like a fool sitting there with restless arms.

And nobody likes a fool...

The Flavored Water Hoax

2009-02-24T16:45:00.000-08:00

Vitamin Water, Propel, and now Special K Protein Water. While I commend the marketing teams for trying to convince us that such drinks are water, I'm here to tell you otherwise.

Just look at the picture of the Special K Protein Water. The so-called "water" comes in either lemon, strawberry, or tropical flavors. Hmmm that's interesting because I thought water was flavorless. Plus, the supposed "water" comes in different colors. Well that seems a bit odd considering water is colorless. Lastly, the nutrition facts of the K water record 8g of sugar. Well that can't be right, because as far as I know, water has no calories.

The jig is up Special K Protein Water - your true stripes are revealed. The drink isn't water, but rather some fancy protein juice. You can't fool me.

To all the people out there drinking the fake water products -- stop lying to yourselves. Propel isn't water. Sure it looks like you are being healthy and active, but you are not. Instead, you are feeding a juicy water addiction. It's okay if you like the stuff, really it is. But if you are going to drink the product then please own up to its content.

"You like-a da juice... the juice is good, eh?"

Either drink water or drink juice, but you can't have it both ways.

If Print News Dies, Then What Will We Read In The Bathroom?

2009-02-22T07:52:00.000-08:00

Everyone keeps saying it, the newspaper industry is dying. There is even a blog titled, "New York Times Death Watch." Take heed -- the end is near. However, if the day finally comes when there is no longer a newspaper to pick up at the end of the driveway, how will we cope?

Don't get me wrong I like perusing the world wide web for news as much as the next person but there is something special about physically touching a paper. The online world cannot replicate turning the pages of a newspaper, getting ink stains on your hands, or taking the paper into the bathroom for some heavy duty reading.

I mean seriously, what will we do? Bring Kindle (the wireless reading device) into the bathroom - just won't have the same effect. There is something truly sacred about the newspaper/bathroom combo, and while progress is always good, the death of print news is anything but positive.

Missing The Childhood Juice Box

2009-02-16T09:47:00.000-08:00

The other day I saw a commercial advertising juice boxes, and it reminded me how much I miss my youth. Lunchtime in grade school was the best. Hostess cakes, ding dongs, fruit snacks, PB & J sandwiches, and of course -- the juice box.

As kids we would dump the food onto the cafeteria table, sizing it up against the goodies of our friends.

"I'll trade you my oreos for your snack pack."

"No way! Snack pack pudding is the greatest!"

At last, the final piece of the puzzle concluded with the straw puncturing through the opening of the Motts juice box or the Tropical Punch flavored Capri Sun. Now we eat our lunch with a bottle of water or popping open a can of soda -- just not the same. Something about a straw and squeezing the life out of juice box cannot be replicated with any other drink.

Oh those were the days...

Chris Brown Beating Rihanna More Shocking Than A-Rod Juicing

2009-02-10T10:32:00.000-08:00

Saturday, SI reporter Selena Roberts revealed news that A-Rod had tested positive for steroids in 2003. Sunday, Chris Brown was sought on charges of domestic abuse for beating his girlfriend Rihanna. The latter is definitely the more surprising news of the weekend.

A-Rod is a juicer, but is that really the worst thing he has ever done? Probably not. He has a laundry list of other offenses—divorcee, home-wrecker, liar, and choker. The last one on the list is the most offensive. A-Rod fails to perform in clutch situations, and thus the Yankees have been out of the World Series the past five years.

If only he had stayed in Texas drinking the juice, the Yankees might have reached number 27 or even 28 for all-time championship titles. That's why I hate A-Rod, not because he's a cheater.

"Cheating is for losers unless it helps you win and then it's for winners," says Jerri Blank (played by Amy Sedaris) in the ridiculous comedy central show Strangers With Candy.

Well I guess cheating really is for losers because A-Rod cheated and it hasn't helped him win. Sure he won a big contract with more money anyone could use in a lifetime, but most people can't stand the guy. The approval he is looking for from the fans is constantly lacking.

I almost laughed when he continually apologized to his fans in the Peter Gammons interview. What fans? Nobody likes you.

As much as I dislike A-Rod for disgracing the Yankee uniform with his pitiful postseason play, I don't blame him for using steroids, nor do I even care. The 2003 drug test was supposed to be confidential. Plus, it was merely a survey test to find out the pervasiveness of drug use in major league baseball.

A-Rod should not be penalized for testing positive on a test that had no right to see the light of day. The person who deserves all the blame in the steroids situation is none other than baseball commissioner Bud Selig. What a waste of space.

Stop acting surprised about steroid use. Baseball players are a bunch of insecure prima donnas in need of magic juice to help them perform. Well earth to Bud Selig—if you want to clean up the steroids mess, stop bringing up the past and players who cheated. Instead, let's worry about keeping baseball clean in the present and future.

A-Rod said he has been tested about eight to 10 times since 2003 for steroid use. That's it? I was drug tested two times in the past six months. One time for college tennis and the other for a job. If you want to keep people from juicing, test them once a week.

During my random drug test experience someone checked underneath my shirt to see if I was packing a clean pee sample. The lady also watched as I peed into the cup. It was not pleasant, but certainly no way I was going to cheat the system.

If baseball doesn't hold the same standards for its players, i.e. constant testing and strict supervision during testing than what else can we expect but a league full of cheaters.

My opinion of A-Rod hasn't changed since Saturday. He's still the guy to put on the flattering blue sweater and try to make amends. He's still the guy with a ton of natural talent but lacks a genuine personality. He's still himself. He's A-Fraud.

Earth to abc.com: Fix the streaming video player!

2009-02-04T12:14:00.000-08:00

Abc.com used to be the haven for episodes online. I could catch up on Grey's, Desperate Housewives, or Lost no problem. Not the case anymore. The other day I was trying to watch an episode of Lost. Well, that show requires 100% attention or as a viewer you are sure to be Lost. While trying to focus I kept getting distracted by the ineptitudes of the video player. The video would stop and start because of the long buffering process. Plus, the new system makes it difficult to press pause during an episode or change segments. In the end, I gave up watching and now I'm truly lost on Lost. If ABC doesn't get with the program they are sure to lose a faithful viewer. I'll be forced to find my episodes on illegal websites. At least the illegal ones know how to put out a quality product... well some of the time.

Say Buh-Bye To The Old Man Rocker

2009-02-04T12:06:00.000-08:00

Did you catch the Super Bowl half-time show? I did, and it was far from a pretty sight. Over the hill white males should not be allowed to rock out in black leather on high def. television. Time to bring sexy back. Who cares if there are a a few wardrobe malfunctions? Just please save my innocent eyes from more haggard old men.

My Nose Is Brown

2009-02-02T17:01:00.000-08:00

I'm sick and tired of brown nosing, sucking up, kissing ass, and whatever other name you can think to call the act of feigning enthusiasm. In high school I was the Queen of the Brown Nosers. I acted with such authenticity that my teachers actually believed I loved school. Now, as a young adult in the real world, my ass kissing has subsided. Of course it couldn't have come at a worse time. Apparently I wasted all my kisses on the wrong people. Then again, perhaps the real problem isn't me; but rather, the compelling need we feel to suck up in order to get ahead. Not saying we should have a world full of Debbie Downers, but all this overblown passion gets a bit nauseating. Some things are stupid and pointless. Deal with it. Sure I might think differently when people start kissing my ass, but until then, I'm done with the brown nosing business.

What kind of cheese do you want on that sandwich?

2009-01-31T17:00:00.000-08:00

Don't give into the peer pressure! Generally, peer pressure refers to drinking and doing drugs.

What about the peer pressure to add cheese to your sandwich? Perhaps, it is an overlooked pressure because so many people do it naturally or are forced to give in, but believe me the pressure exists.

I grew up in a household of turkey and tuna sandwiches. Not turkey and swiss or tuna melts. Just turkey and tuna -- plain and simple. Now that I've mingled amongst a more varied crowd, I've found that I'm generally alone in the no-cheese sandwich.

After numerous trips to Subway in which I decline the cheese option and get a "you cannot be serious" look from my sandwich maker, I decided to give in. I wondered what is all the cheese hoopla about?

Sometimes adding a slice of swiss to a turkey sandwich proves to be the right move. Nevertheless, there are times when the thought of cheese on my sandwich is too much to handle and I must forego the option. On those occassions I continue to get the evil eye.

The other day I ordered a hamburger. The waitress asked if I wanted cheese. Well, if I'd wanted cheese then I probably would have asked for a cheeseburger. Of course when my hamburger arrived at the table it was all amuk with cheese. Perhaps the cook didn't believe someone would order a hamburger without cheese.

Try a google image search of "sandwich" or "hamburger." It's nearly impossible to find a picture without cheese. Do yourself a favor -- try a sandwich sans cheese; I promise it is just as good if not better.

Super Duper Chunky Monkey Bowl Dip

2009-01-27T09:38:00.000-08:00

The Super Bowl is days away. Woo hoo! There is much more to the bowl of super than mere football. The commercials, half-time show, and specialty foods are what it is really all about.

Here is a great recipe:

Super Duper Chunky Monkey Bowl Dip

4 cups of velveeta cheese dip

15 green olives

Dash of rosemary

Teaspoon of sugar

1/2 cup of minced meat

3 slices of pineapple

1 stick of butter

Spoonful of peanut butter

2 cloves of garlic

Handful of orange peels

Mix ingredients together in a large bowl. Keep refrigerated. Enjoy!

Dealing With Morons

2009-01-18T19:41:00.000-08:00

Morons are everywhere ... on the road, at the mall, in school. We deal with them all the time, and we cannot escape them.

Here are some moronic examples:

1. "Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB/GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across the country," said President Bush Sept. 6, 2004.

2. Auditioning for shows like American Idol and So You Think You Can Dance knowing full well that you'll be humiliated on national television.

3. Allowing a professional football game to end in a tie. Example: November 16, 2008 the Cincinnati/Philadelphia game ended in a 13-13 OT tie. Better yet, Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb remained on the field unaware the game was over.

As I said, people are morons. Time for school to be cool so we can stop these jackholes from running the show.

President Bush said it best, "You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test." - Townsend, Tenn., Feb. 21, 2001.

Can't Survive Without That Morning Cup Of Joe

2009-01-13T17:28:00.000-08:00

What is with the coffee love affair?

"Can't survive without my daily intake of caffeine!"

"I need some coffee so I can stay up and study."

"I have a headache because I didn't have my coffee this morning."

People say these things all the time because they are addicted to coffee. I have never had a full cup of coffee in my life, and I never plan to. If I'm too tired to be awake, then perhaps I should go to sleep.

Time to stop America's obsession with coffee, and here is why:

1. Coffee is expensive, those daily trips to Starbucks add up

2. Coffee may smell good but it isn't all that tasty. If it requires a large helping of cream and sugar then perhaps it isn't worth it

3. Coffee can take over your life. Not being able to function without your morning cup of joe. That's sad:(

Start saying no to coffee and yes to sleep. So what if you are a little less productive in the morning, at least you won't be addicted to coffee.

Subject Line (none)

2009-01-13T16:20:00.001-08:00

In a high tech world where emails and texts overshadow letters and postcards, the ability to write clever concise phrases becomes more and more important. Sometimes however, more important than the content of an email, is the subject line itself.

The title of the email is the first thing a viewer will read and thus must catch the attention of the intended recipient without revealing too much information. In the picture above the subject line says "Happy New Year!" Then, the content of the email merely adds "Happy New Year, Duke!" In this case, the subject line is well used but the content of the email is flawed. The emailer should write more than one line or else such information is better meant for a text.

Of course, the typical "hello" subject line is perfectly acceptable, but also a bit overused. Certainly, when the emailer is simply catching up with an old friend the "hello" or "wassup" seems fine, but the more creative the better. Probably the most difficult subject line creations occur when the emailer is not that familiar with the emailee and in need of a favor. For example, asking someone for a letter of recommendation. It's already hard enough to track down those people, so you don't want to turn them away sounding too pushy in the subject line of your email.

Sorry, I don't have any full proof methods to escape the subject line dilemma. My best suggestion is to be creative, and if all else fails just reply to old emails.

Golden Globes Remix

2009-01-12T08:14:00.000-08:00

The Golden Globes, like any award show, drag on to an interminable end. While there are a few noteworthy moments, it is not enough to keep the show on its current path of boredom. Time for a Golden Globes Remix.

To Keep:

1. Red carpet interviews - a good two hours designated for either being in awe of the celebrities and their beauty or making fun of them for poor wardrobe choices.

2. British comedian presenters - Ricky Gervais delivered some funny lines while presenting the best supporting actress award. "I told ya! Do a Holocaust movie," he said to Kate Winslet who won. Sacha Baron Cohen poking fun at the economic times with a jab at a popular celebrity: "Madonna had to get rid of one of her personal assistants -- Guy Ritchie." While the celebrities didn't respond with a laugh, the viewers at home were surely rolling in a fit of laughter on the couch.

3. Tina Fey, in any capacity - As Tina Fey accepted her award for best actress in a comedy series she told her online haters to "suck it!" In turn, the audience loved it. Then, when 30 Rock won for best comedy series, Tina Fey handed the Golden Globe over to co-star Tracy Morgan. Apparently the two agreed that"If Barack Obama won the election, I would speak for the show ... I'm the face of post-racial America. Deal with it, Cate Blanchett!" We are dealing just fine.

To dispose of:

1. The overly shocked incoherent winner - Sorry Kate Winslet, you are a great actress, but please work on your awards speech. Sure you've never won before, but that is no excuse to ramble on. You are an actress, so act like one. Give that speech with grace and elegance as if it were being filmed in a movie.

2. Best miniseries award - HBO has a lock on this award. Nobody watches these movies, or at least I don't. So let's stop awarding them a prize for being a quality production.

3. Poor writing for the presenters - Nothing is more aggravating than watching the presenters read the most kitchy dialogue as they are expected to banter with each other on stage. Whoever writes that cheeseball crap needs to up their game because the current lines aren't cutting it.

To introduce:

1. The giant cane from vaudeville - As the award winners blabber on with their thanks and praise, the music is not enough to get them to stop. Instead, we need a giant cane, like in the old vaudeville shows, to pull them off stage.

2. Substitute speech givers - If the award winning celebrity is in too much shock to give a coherent speech, then she should nominate someone else, hopefully a talented public speaker, to give the speech on her behalf. It could be another celebrity, a child, a man off the street. I really don't care as long as the person delivers a solid speech.

3. A savvy zipline system - Who wants to watch the celebrity slowly walk up to the stage in a crowd of hugs and kisses? Not I. Therefore, the show should set up an elaborate zipline system so that when a celebrity wins, he is quickly ziplined to the stage and the speech giving begins. No time to dilly dally.

Well that pretty much covers it. The Golden Globes aren't all bad, they are just in need of a few changes.

Fight the Man

2009-01-11T14:30:00.000-08:00

At real hippy dippy schools the phrase "fight the man" is frequently heard. Fighting the man should not simply be reserved for the liberals and out of the box thinkers. We all need to fight the man or else the man will get us down. Who is this "man" that we so fervently speak of? Well, the man is any group or person that works to oppress others. Usually the man is an ingrained part of the societal structure. For example, the government or the school board. Though such institutions seem innocent, they are often highly flawed and corrupt. They tend to subvert what they claim to protect in their vows of goodness.

Well, here is my attempt at a poem/song/whatever to explain my current feelings on the world and my place within it.

FIGHT THE MAN

People complain about

The shit they gotta do

It's the same ole story

Oh let me tell you

People got their problems

Problems all they got

So here are some of mine

Listen up -- why not

Graduate from college

Here's the catch 22

You ain't got no experience

So nobody gonna hire you

But to get that first job

You need what you ain't go

So good luck a lookin'

At career builder a lot

Stand up - Wake up - Get up - FIGHT!

Fight the man

Cause the man is never right

Flickers make a fire

Embers make it blue,

Build it a little higher

Gonna be all over you

The world is my oyster

Some people say that with zeal

The world is your oyster

Oh yeah, get real

Study hard in school

Makes you kinda smart

Don't forget to brown nose

Or you'll be working at K-mart

Stand up - Wake up - Get up - FIGHT!

Fight the man

Cause the man is never right

Economy has tanked

World down the shitter

But have no fear

Obama's a hard hitter

He promises to deliver

And so deliver he shall do

Cause his duty is to his country

Oh yeah dats me and you

Before you get too excited

Let us not forget

Obama's still a politician

And politicians are rarely legit

Stand up - Wake up - Get up - FIGHT!

Fight the man

Cause the man is never right

This song just about over

Soon you'll be off the hook

But don't forget the lessons learned

Cause you won't find em in a book

Stand up - Wake up - Get up - FIGHT!

Fight the man

Cause the man is never right

Pants Need Pockets

2009-01-10T16:05:00.000-08:00

Recently, I found a great pair of athletic pants. They were black with hot orange adidas stripes. Pretty freakin' cool. Just one problem, the pants did not have pockets.

I hate to recall the number of times I found a great pair of pants only to realize they don't have pockets. No pockets, no go.

Here are some reasons pants need pockets:

1. it's a more natural look
2. keeps your hands warm in the cold
3. great place to put chapstick, money, car keys, etc.
4. need I say more

People are always carrying around something and after awhile carrying that crap gets old. Henceforth, we need pockets. Pockets don't ruin pants; rather, they make them stylish and practical.

Perhaps worse, or at least definitely on the same level, would be athletic shorts without pockets. Seriously, what are these designers thinking? As a tennis player, shorts require pockets. Forget about the awkward sliding of the ball underneath the spandex. Not cool. Athletic shorts need pockets because you never know when you'll happen upon a tennis court and feel the need to serve up a few games.

This really isn't a complicated argument. Pants need pockets, it is just common sense. So earth to the clothes designers -- it's okay to get all fancy shmancy with your designs but remember clothes also need to be functional. No need to carry chapstick in your hand like a goofball when you could just keep it in your pocket and use as needed.

The Joys of Hanging With An Older Crowd

2009-01-08T15:16:00.000-08:00

Recently, I have been hanging out with some older ladies. I've joined the 5.0 ladies interclub tennis team. While we may have a difference of opinion in our views on music, bed times, and quality TV shows, the one thing we can agree on is an appreciation of youth. My youth in fact. In the company of an older crowd, the young one of the group is often on the receiving end of a myriad of compliments. The compliments are rarely because the person is anything special, just because she is young, firm, and can still move without extreme knee or back pain.

"Oh to be young again."

"I just can't move like I used to."

"You have your whole life ahead of you, just wait until you get to be my age."

Hanging out with older ladies makes one realize how great it feels to be young. They seem to appreciate everything about you or at least your youthfulness, and in return it makes you feel better about yourself. See the old are good for something.

Happy New Year, Yada-Yada-Yada

2009-01-02T08:34:00.000-08:00

New Year's Eve is just an excuse for a big party. Alright, fine, I can dig it. But let's not delude ourselves into believing it is truly the New Year. The New Year begins in the fall when a kid makes that first step off the bus onto school property.

Even when graduating from high school or college, the academic calendar is still the guiding force for the year. People vacation during winter, spring, and summer breaks. Somewhere in the family a kid is in school, and thus the academic schedule must be followed in determining vacations.

Plus, who wants to ring in the New Year during the dead of winter. Sure the days are getting longer, thank goodness, but not much feels new about January only the blistering cold.

1-2-08, oops I meant 09

The Lazy American Workforce

2008-12-02T11:00:00.000-08:00

On October 7, 2008 John McCain said "American workers are the best in the world." NOT. We are lazy and unmotivated. Okay well not all of us, but a large portion. At my job, I spend more time trying to keep busy from the nothingness I have assigned than doing actual work that pertains to my job. Then, when I am actually asked to do work, I find reasons as to why I shouldn't be wasting my time with such nonsense.

I'm sorry, I just figured a college degree meant something. Guess not. If we all have to pay our dues doing menial tasks in order to get recognized at work, then I think that is a major problem in the current job structure. Instead of working hard to move my way up the ladder, I get more and more frustrated at the stupid tasks I am assigned to complete.

Here is the Catch 22 for recent college graduates. We are eager to get jobs and enter the American workforce. Okay, maybe not eager, but we are willing at the realization the party train has reached its destination. However, in applying for jobs we rarely have the required experience because we just graduated from college. Hence, I wonder how we are expected to get the experience if nobody will take a chance and give us a job. Thus, we are forced to accept jobs that have us doing nothing, and instead of being challenged at work we complain about being bored out of our minds. At least I do.

The baby boomers need to be kicked to the curb. The younger more qualified workers ought to rise faster among the ranks and make a change. Enough of paying your dues as the dishwasher and coffee gofer.

Career ADD

2008-12-02T10:24:00.001-08:00

I had an epiphany today. I finally realized what disease has been plaguing me since graduating from college in May. I suffer from Career ADD. Though I think the name speaks for itself, let me explain.

My generation (we're called the Millennials) exists in a world of opportunity. Unlike past generations that graduate from college, get a job and then stay at the same place for years on end. We tend to move from job to job and completely change our career path multiple times.

The problem for me is that I can't even pin down my first career. I am suffering from a strong case of Career ADD. One day I am ready to get my masters in education. Summers off sound nice. Then, I realize I want to be a columnist for The New York Times. Or, I decide I want to write an Oscar winning screenplay and become a writer/producer in Hollywood. Every third Wednesday of the month I come up with the notion that I should create the next great ad campaign for the GAP. Oh and don't let me forget about my dream to start my own eco-friendly sports clothing line.

It's almost as if I have too many dreams for one lifetime and I don't know where to begin, so I end up getting nowhere. I need help. Does anyone have a cure?

The All Encompassing Goodbye

2008-12-02T09:27:00.000-08:00

The holiday season is a great time to visit family. However, after three hours, the little visiting session gets old and I'm ready to peace. Here is the problem - I want a quick exit, but I cannot get away before the long arduous process of goodbyes begins.

Though I have spent time catching up with the relatives (at least the ones I can stand), now I must retrace my steps for a personalized goodbye. Just another stupid societal ritual that we feel compelled to follow or else ... Or else what? We get labeled as being one of those adults with bad manners whose parents didn't teach us proper etiquette. Hey, I can live with that.

Well, I say enough is enough. Forget about all that nonsense. When it's time to go, wave a hand in the air and say one all encompassing goodbye. Then peace out and be on your merry way. If not, you will waste countless time attempting to escape from a situation that reached its expiration date hours before.

***or as my British friend Sophie would say: If you dont get your arse in gear, you will piss away your time trying to run away from something that has had AIDS for hours.

Vinny Chase, Queen of the Ninny-Whinnies

2008-11-24T17:08:00.000-08:00

In the season finale of Entourage the boys return to their roots. Vinny always said if the Hollywood thing didn't work out he would go home to Queens. And so he does. Partying every night, it's almost as if they didn't leave L.A. The only difference is Vince cannot secure an acting job.

At last I realized why. Vincent Chase is Queen of the Ninny-Whinnies. Of all the characters on the show, Vinny is the most pathetic. He is the epitome of a pretty boy, nothing to offer except for his charm and good looks. After the charm wears off, we are left with his utter mediocrity.

When Vince finds out that Gus Van Sant doesn't want him for his next movie, Vince flips out on E and ends their professional relationship. Umm excuse me, but if anyone should take the blame, it should be Vince. The reason he got himself into this predicament is simple. Vinny can't act, and Hollywood is finally realizing the truth about its beloved boy from Queens.

Unfortunately, the show sacrifices reality for the played out happy ending. Vince gets a call from Martin Scorcese and now the scene is set for the upcoming season. Vinny will star in a modern day version of The Great Gatsby.

What's next? Vincent Chase wins an Oscar. Hey, they have given it to the wrong man before.

Conclusion: Overall this has been a much improved season, especially after the Medellin debacle. However, the show needs to give more face time to the other Chase brother, Johnny Drama. At least Turtle is finally getting a storyline and E is finding success with other clients.

The Potato Chip Bag Without Potato Chips

2008-11-22T17:29:00.001-08:00

Have you ever bought a bag of potato chips only to find out that upon opening the bag the chip to non-chip ratio is completely out of wack? How come every bag of potato chips comes with less and less of its signature product? My only wish is that when I buy a bag I find a full allotment of chips. Unfortunately, it seems as if the dude on the assembly line got to my chips first, leaving my bag with a meager amount of the product. So not cool.

I grabbed some takeout from Noodles tonight for dinner. While ordering the pad thai I asked if they could throw in a few extra vegetables. The lady behind the cash register responded, "that is an extra 75 cents." I responded, "no thanks." Sure, 75 cents is not that much, but seriously why does everything have to cost extra? Why can't the lady just respond with a smile and say "we'd love to get that for you?"

Noodles isn't the worst though. I have always had my biggest issues with Subway. As much as I love the place for being healthy-ish fast food, I wish they would throw on one more slice of turkey to my six inch sub. Have you ever noticed that they only give you three slices of turkey for the six inch? Must be a direct order down from corporate headquarters. Only three slices, if they want more charge an extra two dollars. If that is the case, you might as well get a footlong. Am I asking for too much? I believe a turkey sandwich should be made up of, well, turkey, not mostly bread and spicy mustard.

The Problem With Jodi Picoult Novels

2008-11-18T19:18:00.000-08:00

Jodi Picoult is a prolific writer. She turns out a couple novels a year, or so it seems. Have you ever wondered how she writes that much? How does she keep coming up with new ideas? Well, here is the big reveal—she writes the same story over again.

Small town, good family, strong values...violence strikes or a secret is revealed...now the protagonist must figure out a way to live in this new unfamiliar reality. That pretty much covers a Jodi Picoult story. If you doubt me, just look at the synopis on the back of the book. They all sound the same.

Then her world is turned upside down with a single act of violence ... and suddenly everything Trixie has believed about her family and herself seems to be a lie.

- back cover of The Tenth Circle

Sterling is a small, ordinary New Hampshire town where nothing ever happens - until the day its complacency is shattered by a shocking act of violence.

- inside cover of Nineteen Minutes

Delia Hopkins has led a charmed life. Raised in rural New Hampshire ... But as she plans her wedding, she is plagued by flashbacks of a life she can't recall. And when a policeman arrives to disclose a truth that will upend the world as she knows it...

- Vanishing Acts

Basically, Picoult reworks the same story with slight plot variations. In such storytelling, Picoult's characters lose their realness. They merely become caricatures of what a true character should be. It's always the same person who appears in each novel. The only difference is in the name and the secret on the verge of explosion. But still, it's basically the same character.

I am currently reading The Tenth Circle, and once I finish it I have made a vow to never read another Jodi Picoult novel. The saying is true—if you have read one Picoult novel, then you have read them all.

Twilight

2008-11-13T11:10:00.000-08:00

As an English major one would expect that I read a lot, and I guess I do, but I hadn't read a book in awhile until now. The last book I read was Where The Heart Is, and that was over a month ago. I decided it was time to get back in the saddle.

The hardest part about reading a book is just getting started. Therefore, I decided I should pick a book that would be an easy read. With an upcoming movie release, I figured Twilight, the vampire romance story, would be a good pick.

I was right. I read the 500 page novel in less than 24 hours. Now I am obsessed and can't wait to get my hands on the next novel in the series. Some claim that Twilight is the next Harry Potter. As much as I enjoy the story, I would have disagree. Harry Potter stands on a pedestal all its own.

Twilight is not as sophisticated as Harry Potter. However, the romance between Edward and Bella is irresistible. It's like a science fiction version of Romeo and Juliet, and while tragedy may befall these starcrossed lovers, I hope they have a different fate than the one Shakespeare had in mind. Then again, in a world of vampires, the death of the mortal heroine may be the only answer to ensure the couple's eternal happiness.

I am not sure how the series ends up, but I will find out soon enough. Here is what I have gathered so far: falling in love with a vampire is complicated, but it sounds good to me.

Obama Time

2008-11-06T10:02:00.000-08:00

Mazel Tov! America elected an African American as president. Perhaps we have finally moved past racial lines. Well, actually, he is only half black, but that is besides the point. It is time for a change. Hallelujah! Praise the Lord!

Hold up, wait a sec... Sure we have a lot to be excited about, but I think I will hold off on popping another bottle of champagne. Let's wait to see if this new saving grace can deliver. Believe me I want to be as ecstatic as the next person, but it is hard to go crazy about some guy who really hasn't done anything.

I'm definitely impressed by his campaign skills. It certainly took a lot to get elected, but now he must take on the real challenges. I feel sorry for the guy. He has inherited one hell of a mess, and if he can't make good on his promises then he'll be just another second rate politician.

Honestly, I am not such a fan of Obama. He has a great story, but I have not been caught up in all the hoopla. All I really care about is results. Therefore, if Obama saves America like Superman continually saves Metroplis, then I might change my tune. Until then, let's keep the celebrations on the down low.

Health Insurance People Are D-Bags

2008-10-30T09:55:00.001-07:00

Health insurance companies only want to insure healthy people. It's fucked up.

Recently, the insurance company kicked me off of my parents' coverage because I'm no longer a student. Apparently college graduates find jobs right out of college that offer insurance. Umm, earth to health care providers, it doesn't work that way. It's hard enough finding a job, let alone one that will provide health care benefits.

Therefore, I have been forced to seek health insurance on my own. With the financial backing from my parents, we found a plan that seems to best suit my needs. The other day I filled out the application and I figured that's it, now I'm insured.

Of course it could not be that easy, actually the application wasn't. But now they have thrown a few more curve-balls my way. I woke up this morning to a message on the answering machine, "Hi this is insurance agent Douchebag calling for Leah Zipperstein. We have a few more questions to ask you so please call us back at 1-800-657-dbag."

I called back and was connected to a seemingly nice lady, but then the questions started. "I've been stalking your medical records and see that you had an MRI for your shoulder in 2006, what was the purpose of this MRI?"

I responded, "I play college tennis and I hurt my shoulder so I decided it might be smart to visit the doctor and check the situation out."

The dbag says, "Hmm, okay, well what did they suggest for treatment and how long did it take to heal?" By the way, all of this is code for - how much does my insurance agency have to pay for your athletic injuries?

I said, "Thankfully I did not need surgery. With rest, ice, and strengthening exercises I returned to form in a few months.

Next question from the dbag: "I see you that you are currently taking medication for acne, is that the purpose of the medication?"

I said, "Well dumbass if that is what it says, then that's probably why I'm taking the medication."

Final question, "have you visited the doctor in the past 62 days and if so, why?"

I responded, "I sprained my ankle playing soccer so I went to the doctor to get it checked out."

Dbag says, "what treatment did your doctor prescribe and will you need to see the doctor again for a checkup?"

I said, "Similar to my shoulder injury I was told that rest, ice, and physical therapy should do the trick, and no, I will not need to see the doctor again."

At last the 20 questions on Leah's medical history was over. However, I'm still not covered. My file needs to be reviewed by some more class A douchebags and then they'll let me know. Perhaps my attempts at staying healthy with an active lifestyle will cause my downfall.

It's possible that the health insurance agency could deny me coverage. I play sports; therefore, there is an increased chance of injury.

Honestly, I am not too worried. I'm pretty sure I will get covered. But what about the people that actually have serious medical issues? What if they are denied coverage because they have real problems? And these are the people that need insurance the most. I'd say that is a pretty fucked up system.

People have insurance because "in case shit happens" they will need help covering the costs. However, insurance agencies provide insurance with the expectation that "shit won't happen." They want zero risk with all the reward. I wish we could just say fuck em and deal with life as it comes, but "in case shit does happen" I'd be the one screwed, not the insurance agencies.

Moral of the story - health insurance people are douchebags. Enough said.

The Cincinnati Bengals Are Halfway To The Bagel Shop

2008-10-28T09:55:00.000-07:00

After Sunday's 35-6 loss to the Houston Texans, the Cincinnati Bengals are halfway to the bagel shop. My only question: would they like cream cheese or tuna salad with that sesame seed bagel?

I was simply making small talk with someone when I asked how the Bengals did. He responded, "Is that a rhetorical question? Of course they lost." And so it goes...

No NFL team has ever gone 0-16 for the season, but teams have come close. The 1990 Patriots, 2000 Chargers, 2001 Panthers, and 2007 Dolphins all went 1-15. The Tampa Bay Buccaneers went 0-14, but that was before the current 16 game season.

Could this be a historic year for the Bengals, or perhaps better suited, the Bungles? Anything is possible and with each passing week it is looking more and more likely.

Although it is not yet official, Carson Palmer is probably out for the rest of the season with an elbow injury. In his place, fourth year NFL quarterback, Ryan Fitzpatrick attempts to lead the lackluster Cincinnati offense.

Fitzpatrick graduated from Harvard. Okay, so the guy is smart, but what about his football skills? In his five games starting as the Cincinnati QB he has thrown two touchdowns and five interceptions. Not the hottest stats on the market.

Forget about our QB woes, because perhaps the worst part about Cincinnati's dismal play is not that we stand at the midpoint of the season without a single victory. That's not it. Rather, we have had no sideshow entertainment from Mr. Ocho Cinco.

He has only scored two touchdowns this season, and I'm pretty sure neither of them have made it onto Sportscenter's Top Ten. That is the real travesty. Honestly I feel bad for the guy. Sure he likes to showboat, but that is part of the reason why I love him. He is in the business of entertaining, not the business of being bageled.

I kind of hope we continue on our path of self-destruction. At this point, the most we could win is a couple of games. They might provide slight moral victories, but other than that, they won't bring much relief.

I'm not saying we should tank the rest of the season. I don't believe in giving up. I just think we should embrace the bagel for what it is--a delectable Jewish staple that comes in a variety of flavors and can be eaten with a number of choice toppings.

Therefore, I want to say mazel tov on making it halfway to history. We only need eight more losses until we arrive at the promised land.

The Texting Game

2008-10-25T12:09:00.000-07:00

At first I was apprehensive about the texting feature on cell phones. I figured why text when you can call? However, once I began texting, I realized the real question is why call when you can text?

Texting is great. It allows just enough intimate communication without actual conversation. When texting we can write in shorthand with phrases such as lol (laugh out loud), idk (i don't know), ruok (are you okay), and the list goes on. Texting is like a little game. Similar to the fancy footwork required in tennis, texting requires fancy wordplay. The winner of the game is the person who can pack the most punch in the smallest amount of space.

Because I was late in entering the texting game I am catching up with all my friends and their dexterous experience. I tend to write things out in full instead of employing the flashier texting lingo. No worries though -- practice makes perfect.

I forgot to mention the other aspect of the texting game. Once a player receives a text, it becomes the responsibility of that player to respond immediately. The faster one responds the better.

If I send a text and I don't receive a quick response back then I begin to worry. Actually it goes beyond worry. I begin to overanalyze my relationship with said person. Is he/she mad at me? Why is this person ignoring my text? Was the text I sent in some way offensive or inappropriate? However, thirty or so minutes later, once I've received a response, I breath a big sigh of relief and wonder why my brain was being pulled in ten different directions for no reason. Such is the life of a texter. You must deal with the good times and the bad.

Now that I have become a perpetual texter I feel less and less comfortable talking to people on the phone. Is that weird? I don't think so. Phone conversations can be awkward. We are never entirely sure how the other person is interpreting our pauses or voice inflections. It is hard to gauge the status of a relationship through the awkwardness of a phone conversation. Thus, we have moved to an even more impersonal medium--the text. But you know what, sometimes people write what they cannot say.

TTYL! XOXO

The Truth About Food

2008-10-23T15:31:00.000-07:00

People like to think that they know good food. But let me tell you, they don't. The truth of the matter is that most people have awful taste.

I come from a humble background. I did not grow up in a mansion, nor did I get the pony I asked for on my 16th birthday. At the same time, pretty much everything I have ever wanted/needed I have received. But I am definitely not spoiled. Not like some kids. The one area in which I may consider myself spoiled though, would be in the area of food. I'm sorry but I know quality.

My mom cooks five nights a week, and my dad is trained as a chef. Thus, I have been around good food my entire life. Our vacations are focused more around the hottest restaurants than they are around the coolest places to visit.

Unfortunately, most people have no idea what it means to eat a quality meal. For example, I was visiting a friend recently and she wanted to take me to the local fast food joint. She kept saying it is amazing, better than any other place I've been. I'm sorry but that statement doesn't even make sense. The words fast food scream "tastes like shit!" Therefore, anyone who believes there is quality in fast food cannot be trusted.

Drug Testing

2008-10-09T10:10:00.000-07:00

In the past six months I have been required to take two drug tests. The first one was for tennis. I happened to be one of the lucky ones, you know, in the random selection. At 6:30 in the morning I headed to the athletic building where I was assigned a number and a cup. Failing the drug test would have NO consequences because the purpose of "said" test was merely to get data on the pervasiveness of recreational drugs in DIII athletes. I'm glad I was inconvenienced for the sake of a study. While failing the test would mean nothing, the powers that be still decided to treat us like convicted felons. Before entering the bathroom stall I had to lift up my shirt--in case I was carrying a clean pack of pee around my stomach. Even after revealing that the only thing under my shirt is my stomach, this lady followed me into the stall and watched me as I peed into the cup. Okay, she wasn't a pervert, but it was awkward (to say the least). After finishing my business I was required to hold onto my pee cup and watch as this lady tested the pH. If I recall correctly, I believe my pee had a pH of 6.5. Finally, I was allowed to relinquish custody of my pee and send it off to the lab.

Today, I was required to endure my second drug test. This test was work related, as in, I won't get hired unless I pass the drug test. I am not worried about passing the test. I am just annoyed that it has become commonplace for a drug test to be a prerequisite for employment. Even though the consequences of this drug test are much higher than the tennis one, the lady at LabCorp didn't seem to notice. I was asked to wash my hands but nobody supervised me doing so, nor was I asked to lift up my shirt. And when I took my favorite cup to the bathroom to do my business nobody followed me. I closed the door and hit that magical red line in private. The lady at LabCorp could care less about the accuracy of the test. She could care less about whether people try to cheat the test. Who can blame her? She oversees drug tests for a living. That sucks. And what about the lab geek who will have the pleasure of testing my pee in a couple of days? Can't say I'm jealous.

Moral of the story: drug testing sucks and try to avoid it at all costs, unless you have to do it (like I did)

The dreaded cover letter

2008-10-07T08:30:00.000-07:00

To Whom It May Concern: (probably nobody)

In May I graduated from Colorado College with a degree in English. As an English major it is safe to say that I have had some experience writing. However, writing analytical essays on themes regarding the self-made man are often highly unintelligible and go on with no end in sight. I much prefer to write shorter pieces on a more focused subject.

For example, I love writing cover letters, a skill that any college graduate seems to relish. I love putting myself out there as a writer and waiting by the computer for it to say, "you've go mail." Unfortunately, most messages in my inbox these days inform me of new facebook wallposts or tagged pictures of my mug shut.

In college I was a contributing writer to The Catalyst, the school newspaper. The Catalyst is an awful newspaper. The only articles I ever read were my own, and that is not because I am a narcissist. Last semester I wrote a controversial article about violating the privacy of students because of random drug testing for DIII athletes. It was worthy of a Pulitzer. They never ran it.

In the fall of my junior year I spent a semester in Washington DC studying journalism at American University. Over the course of the semester I wrote a number of different pieces, including a news feature on iPods along with a profile of the Washington Post food critic. I thoroughly enjoyed writing my piece on the food critic. He bought me lunch.

In the summer before my senior year I spent time in San Diego tracking sea otters. I joined a marine biologist and her team of scientists. We studied their mating habits. It was an invaluable experience. My time spent by the water helped me increase my immunity to sea sickness, a skill that can be used for any job.

While I love writing English essays, political articles, and cover letters, my favorite pieces would have to be the ones in which I "help" my younger brother write. I get a lot of pleasure writing assignments for tenth graders. I guess it is similar to the feeling the bully gets beating up on the weakling of the bunch. Everything I can't do in a college essay -- pull an argument straight out of the air and then use a portable hard drive to capture it and save it onto MS Word, I am encouraged to do in high school papers. They are so much more fun. In fact, I will attach a copy of my favorite piece that I ever "helped" my brother write; it was a creative piece for his music history class.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I would love to get an email from you, but if not, I guess I will survive on another facebook message. Such is my life.

Sincerely,

Leah Zipperstein

Enclosure: Resume, Writing Sample, List of References

Shut Up Meredith Grey

2008-09-26T07:59:00.001-07:00

Season 5 of Grey's Anatomy premiered last night. Overall I think there is potential for a good season, but still much of the episode made me think "ehh." After last season's shit train of episodes however, the show can only go up.

The Bad:

1. Meredith shut up already. I wish the icicle would have punctured Meredith's vocal chords instead of Cristina's stomach. I know Meredith is all dark and twisty. We get it. Be with Derek, stop questioning everything, and shut the fuck up!

2. Stop making Karev such a douchebag. It is the same old story. He opens up to Izzie; she likes that about him, and then he flips out and reverts to his douchebag self. Enough already, let Alex and Izzie be together.

3. The Chief -- so annoying last night. Sure I understand the rankings are important but stop acting so ridiculous.

4. Callie, WTF -- no need to go crazy during the experimental surgery I know the point of that was so Hahn could come to the rescue. But please, a little more composure.

The Good:

1. Lexie! Absolutely love her. She is my favorite character. She delivers lines the way the other characters did in the first two seasons. She is refreshing, funny, and a character that I root for 100%. How funny was she reading the love letter to betrayed wife Sarabeth. Haha:)

2. Army doc who performs a tracheostomy with a pen. Fucking awesome. What a BAMF! I'm also loving the chemistry between him and Cristina. I hope he returns to Seattle Grace soon.

3. Cristina, still gotta love her. Her interns are so stupid and she lets them know it all the time. She's hilarious. But seriously, next time you see an icicle coming at you, trying moving out of the way. Just a thought.

Grey's still work to do if it wants to regain my confidence as a viewer. The show lost its mojo last season, and I think it's trying too hard. The writing seems forced. I hope Grey's gets in the groove pretty soon though and stops going all ER (extremely ridiculous) on us.

Thank you government!

2008-09-25T20:40:00.000-07:00

The bailout, the bailout, the bailout! That is all we hear. Well, I am sick of hearing about it. I am sick of the government wasting our money. I am sick of cleaning up the mistakes of people who should know better. Why don't the CEO's of these financial firms put up the money to save Wallstreet. They earn million dollar salaries. They have MBA's from the top business schools in the country so they should know better. They should know that nothing is free in this world. They should know that they really fucked us (the American citizens) over. And as if the ineptitude of Wallstreet were not enough, now the government has stepped in to save the day. I think the figure is around 700 zazillion dollars. Something like that. Some absurd amount of money that we do not have, but will appear out of thin air. Oh wait, no--it will appear out of my pockets. Actually I have no money, so it will come from my parents, you, and a whole bunch of other people that can't really afford it. So again I say thank you government! Keep up the good work. I'm really impressed -- NOT.

The Awkward Hello

2008-04-03T20:49:00.000-07:00

I'm sure you have been in this situation. I find myself in it all the time. Let's say you are walking around and up ahead you see someone you know. This someone however falls in between being a mere acquaintance and a friend. If it were a friend you might run ahead and give them a surprise attack. If it is an acquaintance you might veer off course to avoid a possible stop and chat, and hey it isn't rude because they are just an acquaintance. But what about the in-betweener. You see her approaching and you start thinking at about 50ft away "when am I going to acknowledge her existence?" Should it simply be a head nod, a hello, or the whole kit and caboodle-- with a "how are you doing?" Now she is 40 ft away and you don't want to jump the gun, saying hello too early, but you also don't want the awkward stare down as you get closer and closer but neither of you acknowledge the other. Therefore to end the awkward hello, I propose this wonderful solution.

After you recognize the person from far away try not to make any long distance eye contact. Keep your eyes down and pretend like you have something else on your mind. Then as you are about 17ft away lift up your head and make eye contact with the in-betweener. At 10ft or closer you make your move with the hello. And now you can continue on your way, satisfied that you weren't a rude jackass, and simmering with excitement over your newfound method at avoiding the awkward hello.

You are welcome:)

The Problem With Science

2008-03-31T19:58:00.000-07:00

People can easily manipulate you with numbers but it takes real power to manipulate someone with words.

Here is my disclaimer: not all science is bad, sure I'm thankful for seedless watermelons, digital cameras, and comfortable footwear, but for the most part, science just doesn't interest me.

We can go to the moon -- but we can't cure the common cold. Hmmm?

We can watch movies on our cell phones -- but we can't solve the energy crisis.

We can fly from LA to NY -- but we can't have our seats back during takeoff or landing. What is wrong with that picture?

Sure there are many other thorns in the side of man, but I'll save the rest of that list for another time. Yeah science has done some wonderful things, but hey, it isn't that great. I used to hate labs in high school. The teacher would explain the experiment and tell you the type of results you should expect. For some reason my experiments never turned out the results that were expected, so you know what I did? I fudged the numbers. I made it work. And don't tell me you didn't do the same thing. Those experiments were set up to fail. Honestly, we would have saved a lot of time if we had skipped the whole Erlenmeyer flask bit and were just told the results.

One more thing, have you ever looked through a microscope? Mitochondria my ass. The only thing I ever saw squinting through that damn microscope was blobbish material, and yet biology books have diagrammed every part of the cell. I bet a group of scientists got hammered and just made up all that stuff because I'm telling you there is nothing to see.

I hate science just like the next guy -- a lot. Don't get me wrong I hope that people who enjoy science continue doing experiments where they manipulate the stats to prove their hypothesis. I think that is awesome. But if it is all the same to you, I'll stay out of the laboratory.