Does anyone really write in cursive anymore?

I remember back in the 3rd grade when I first learned how to write in cursive. We had those practice sheets where we would trace over the dotted letters making beautiful S's and G's. We were told that writing in such a fashion is faster than regular print. After years of writing papers, notes, etc. I must say I disagree.

In order to write legibly in such an old school manner, it takes countless time and includes painstaking efforts. Oh and did I mention the hand cramps? Seriously, why write in cursive when you can just write in print?

Growing up in the computer age, it doesn't make much sense to write anything in fact. However, when forced to write I will always choose print over cursive. The only two words I ever write in cursive are my name and that doesn't count because it falls under the signature category.

While it would be frustrating enough to write in cursive, I find it more annoying trying to translate the chicken scratch older people send me in their foreign language of script. If you are going to write me a letter in cursive it darn well better be polished... like Declaration of Independence feather pen style, or at least do the courtesy of sending a translator along with the package. If not, then don't waste your time because I will not be able to comprehend your medieval handwriting.

Moral of the story - choose print over scribbilish cursive because that junk is way out of style.

Friendship bracelets

People are never too old to wear friendship bracelets. At least I'm not. I wear my bracelets/anklets proudly. I've never been a crafty person. I don't crochet, make wind charms, or capture scenic images on canvas. I do however make bracelets, anklets, and lanyards. Even as an adult, well young adult, I admit they are awesome.

I first got into the bracelet making scene as a pre-teen. Made my mom buy all the string along with a book of instructions and I got to work. However, as time went by I lost touch with the age old art of friendship bracelets. Thankfully Mr. Presnal, my junior year chemistry teacher brought back my love of the quintessential bracelet. His class was so utterly pointless that it required zero attention as a student. So in the back of the class I re-learned my lost art. It was a great way to pass time during fifth period.

A few years later, as a camp counselor in the Adirondacks, I had renewed spirit once again. This time I learned of the camp wrist, in which girls adorn their entire arm, at least up to the elbow, with friendship bracelets. Pretty sweet. I generally stick to a max of three on an arm, but I have sported four anklets at a time.

There is really nothing like a friendship bracelet - cheap, easy to make, sentimental, and Awesome with a capital A.

Interclub women's tennis

And I thought junior tennis was ridiculous. Well interclub ladies tennis brings that scenario to a whole new extreme. Tennis is life, that is the motto of a desperate housewife who dedicates her entire existence to knowing the ins, outs, and oh so mind boggling details of every player on every team.

"She has a nasty slice."

"All she does is lob."

"She is a notorious hooker." In tennis talk, that is one who makes bad line calls, but hey she could be a hooker too.

"She is too young to play; she shouldn't be on that team." The most common remark directed at me.

The list of complaints and comments goes on and on, then it goes on some more. Recently I played a match against a team that walks with such an aura of superiority, you would think A-Rod had just graced us with his presence. But no, it is just a bunch of ridiculous ladies who belong to a wealthy tennis club.

Anwyay, within the first couple games of the match I threw up a crappy lob so instinctively I yelled "watch it!" And why do I say "watch it" you ask? Basically, I am just letting my partner know it is time to get away from the net.

Turns out my opponent, who then proceeded to dump the easy ball into the net, was not too happy about my so-called outburst. She told me I cannot say that and I should "watch it" myself or else she was gunning for me. WTF? Where do these pyscho ladies come from? They are such an utter disgrace to the game.

It's ok, I won.

Voicemail, ugh

In the wonderful world of texting, why do people still leave voicemails? For the one leaving the voicemail you must wait for the automated person to get through the to do list. "I'm sorry the number you have dialed is unavaible, please wait for the tone. Press pound if you want more options. Press 1 if you want to leave a voicemail." And that annoying naggy voice continues until you are finally relieved by the BEEP. Time to leave the message you have been waiting to leave all along, but you have spent the past minute impatiently listening, just trying to get to this point, that you have forgotten what you wanted to say.

Now for the one who must retrieve the voicemail, the hassles are much the same. Again you are taken through a list of options from the annoying automated person until you finally get to hear the voicemail. A voicemail that has been building in hype, not because it is anything exciting, but rather because of all the time spent waiting. Drum roll please...

And what is on the other end of that voicemail in most cases - a suggestion that person A should call person B so they can either talk for real or meet up in person. So again I ask: in the wonderful world of texting, why leave a voicemail when the same message can be sent, delivered, received, and responded to in the same time it would take to simply leave your voice recording? Yeah not making too much sense now.

Message sent*

The Pressure of Picking Produce

A trip to the grocery store can include a wide range of experiences. When picking up milk and bread there isn't much to it, same goes for most non-perishable items. However, when making your way to the produce section, do you begin to feel the pressure? The beads of sweat start dripping down as you hope to pick a winner and not a dud.

The vegetables are not as hard to manage because you can pretty easily tell the good from the bad, but the fruit picking is another story. There is nothing worse than bringing home a watermelon from the store in hopes of a delicious and refreshing summer treat only to find upon cutting it open that the watermelon is mealy and flavorless. Oh my - it is an awful feeling.

Unfortunately, the watermelon isn't the only one to cause such pain. The same goes for apples - Braeburn especially, oranges, mangos, and a plethora of others. No wonder people spend so much time smelling and touching their fruit items in the hopes of preventing such a catastrophe. However, the taste of bad fruit cannot always be avoided.

If I only knew of some full proof methods to test out the fruit while in the store. But alas, I am just as mystified as the next person. I've seen people knock on watermelon to hear for a hollow sound, or something like that, but who really knows until you take the knife to that delectable piece of fruit skin.

I wish I had better advice to offer, I wish I could make the pressure go away, but all I can really do is wish you the best of luck on your next trip to the produce section.

Autographs Are Overrated

I don't quite understand the obsession with getting a celebrity's autograph. I mean honestly, what is so cool about having a Derek Jeter signed baseball? Well, in that case, it would be pretty cool. But seriously, for the most part, autographs are illegible and insignificant. They are only worth something if you sell them to some nut-job who values the autograph more than you. Thankfully for the autograph junkies of the world, there are plenty of nut-jobs to go around.

I guess the autograph obsession relates to the overall celebrity obsession. People think it is exciting to meet a celebrity. Yet, what they apparently don't know is this - celebrities are pretty boring. They drink, they pee, they sleep, and they put one pant leg on at a time just like anyone else.

Perhaps if we could be a part of a celebrity entourage, then we could truly feel special. You are not going to become best friends with Jennifer Aniston - sorry, but that is a pipe dream. Remember superstars need the fans more than we need them. Without the constant adoration from the public they would be nothing. Therefore, don't let them have the power, and don't be awed by their overall boringness. If you want a good story to tell then make it happen yourself. I hear cow tipping is one way to go.

The Problem With Costco

On a recent trip to Costco I realized my problem with the place. The supersized packaging turns generally good looking food into a monstrosity. I can't help but feel like a glutton when I see a block of cheese the size of my torso or frozen dumplings that could last me through the next year.

Of course Costco isn't all bad. The gigundo lotion containers, nature valley bars, and sample sections are pretty sweet. However, the mass quantities of meat or cheese can certainly make my stomach start doing somersaults.

And what about the people that fill up an entire shopping cart full of food? Are they saving up for the Apocalypse or are they seriously that hungry? Come on people - no wonder America has weight issues. Nobody needs two tons of chips or a massive box of brownie mix. Did you ever wonder how they came up with the nickname Two-Ton Tessie? Glad I cleared that up for you.

Honestly, I think Costo, Sams, and Walmart Supercenters are great. You can do some wonderful bargain shopping, but just because everthing they sell is in large, unbelievable, rhino-sized quantities, does not justify the need to buy the store. Try a little balance on for size. It could do the body good.

Buggin' out

I hate the question – what are you doing with your life? I’m living it, that is what I’m doing.

What is the measure of success? Somehow at age 23 I feel like a failure because I haven’t figured out my life. It’s called the quarter-life crisis. And from what I’ve heard I get to endure another crisis once I hit 50. Why is there so much pressure to fulfill expectations – our own, our parents, society’s? If I never win an award on TV or make a six-figure salary, does that mean I’ve failed? I hope not, but somehow it feels that way. Why can’t I just enjoy my life? I want to explore, I want to stumble, and I want to have fun. Along the way I imagine I’ll discover a few things about myself and the world with which I live. It’s not like I enjoy this stumbling process of young adulthood. Life would be so much easier if I knew, simply knew exactly what I wanted to do. But there are so many things I want to do, see, and pursue and through that jumbled maze I get lost in all the choices.

Britney Spears is back and better than ever

Britney Spears is back -- booyakasha! The early days of Britney, well I was not such a fan. But ever since Britney broke down and went crazy her music and image has grabbed my interest. Take the song "Piece of Me" for example. 

Here is the first verse:

I'm Miss American Dream since I was 17

Don't matter if I step on the scene or sneak away to the Philippines

They still gon' put pictures of my derriere in the magazine

You want a piece of me? You want a piece of me?

Finally Britney shed her former pristine image and owned up to the fact that being a celebrity is crazy. Now that's the Britney I like to see -- back from rehab, an awful buzz cut, and better than ever. "Blackout" was quite an impressive album. 

Her most recent album "Circus" is also rather amazing. The title song is currently one of my faves. 

Here is the first verse of "Circus":

There's only two types of people in the world

The ones that entertain and the ones that observe

Well baby, I'm a put-on-a-show kind of girl

Don't like the backseat, gotta be first

Who can't relate to that? These days Britney isn't the annoying people pleaser she once was; instead, she tells it like it is. And I for one am lovin' it! 

Where did that chair come from?

Have you ever noticed trash on the side of the highway? Recently, I've seen a wooden chair, part of a mattress, and a hitchhiker. Obviously I'm not surprised to see regular trash on the highway i.e., cans, wrappers, bags, etc. However, I can't help but wonder who is throwing out a chair? Seriously, who is driving at 60 mph and thinks to himself, "you know what, I think it is time to ditch this chair. I'm just gonna toss it out the window." Who does that?  Well clearly someone is doing it because I notice random pieces of trash all the time. 

People Shouldn't Steal Your Money. That's Right Uncle Sam I'm talking To You!

The true entrance into adulthood isn't graduating from college or nabbing down that first job. Nope, it's paying your taxes and watching the government steal your hard earned money. Granted I don't even make that much money, so the little money I do make should stay in my responsible hands rather than those of the government.

Need more proof of the government's carelessness check out this link from The Onion, a quality news source.

http://www.theonion.com/content/video/in_the_know_should_the_government

Getting back to the issue of taxes, I just don't get it. Apparently, I still owe the city money for the year 2008 and they already want me to pay up for 2009. They call it the 2009 tax estimate. I mean seriously, they can get away with that?

Wish I could send people nasty notices in the mail and require some form of monetary compensation. Sounds like a much better gig than actually working and seeing half of my paycheck get dumped into the giant money hole called the government.

Time for us to kick it old school and return to the saying that founded this great nation, "No taxation without representation." The fools on Capitol Hill may call themselves representatives, but I'm none too pleased with what they represent.

A Bird Threw Up On My Car

As I was driving I noticed that the passenger side mirror was covered in muck. Visibility equaled zero. When I pulled into my destination and got out of the car I checked the passenger side door and realized the problem. A bird decided to take a dump/vomit all over my car. It was disgusting. Not only had the crap exploded on the mirror but it was all over the passenger side door and window.

Of course we all have to take care of business, but how can such a small animal create such a giant mess? That question will perplex me and probably the rest of us till the end of time. Thanks for nothing little birdie. Tweet tweet.

Somehow people in nice cars make the worst drivers

As I pulled into a fancy restaurant to grab my take out, I was stuck behind some shmohawk in a nice Mercedes... or Lexus... or was it a BMW? Who knows? The point is, all these people in classy cars have no driving sense. While the man in front of me had a plethora of parking spots to choose from, he decided to dilly dally in his choice. Thus, I became very frustrated.

Finally he began pulling into a parking spot on his right. Of course, being a crappy driver, the man misread the turn and proceeded to do the awkward move forward/back up to align himself properly in the spot. Meanwhile, I waited impatiently watching this loser and his inability to park. Dude, if you can't maneuver your highly expensive and snazzy vehicle give it to those less fortunate, more appreciative, and overall better drivers. If not, keep your precious baby in the garage and stay off the road.

The Airline Industry Mind Fuck

I had the great pleasure of flying today. Umm, not!

As I checked in at the kiosk I noticed I was assigned to seat 25E. Personally, I prefer the front of the plane, so I selected the "change seat" application in search of something better. The only seat available (at least according to the computer) was 20D, the middle seat and a mere five rows up. I figured I might as well keep the seat I have and ask again at the gate.

Once I got to the gate I asked the man behind the counter to see if some other seats were available. Low and behold there were. My new seat, drum roll please... 10D. How come when I tried to find a better seat nothing came up, but when the airline employee searched he found one without a problem? Mind fuck number one.

The flight was delayed about twenty minutes, so when it came time for boarding we all hustled onto the plane to get ready for takeoff. I carried my single piece of luggage onto the plane and as I was about to place it in a completely empty overhead bin, one of the flight attendants approached me. She said I could not put my luggage in that bin  because it was directly above a business class seat. However, I was sitting one row behind the business class and the overhead above my seat was completely full. Therefore, thinking like a logical person it made sense for me to just use the empty storage. The flight attendant would not budge on her ludicrous policy. She claimed we had to wait and see if anymore business class passengers were going to board the plane. Let me tell you - nobody did. And even if they had, there still would have been plenty of room because it was completely empty. 

Instead of continuing an argument with the moron I decided to place my bag under one of the two empty seats next to me. Yes you heard me right. I had an aisle all to myself. Guess there were plenty of seats available after all. Anyway, we were about to takeoff and the flight attendants were checking the cabin one last time. A different flight attendant noticed my piece of luggage on the floor. While the bag was mostly under the seat, it stuck out a bit. The lady proceeded to take my bag and put it... just take a guess. Yep, she placed my bag in the overhead bin above the business class seat. 

Thankfully I made it home safely, but not after a couple of great mind fucks thanks to the quality airline industry.

Battling for the arm rest

The age old battle for the armrest hasn't gotten any easier. At the movies, on a plane, or in the car, the battle ensues and only one person can be named the victor.

Getting your elbow onto the armrest is the best way to lay claim. While the image above shows all parties involved in the armrest enjoyment, the true owner of the rest is the one with the elbows in place. Eventually those with only the forearm will remove themselves from the competition by their own free will or because the elbower will slyly push them out of his territory. 

While some people might enjoy sitting in a chair with their hands in theirs laps, let's be honest, if the armrest exists, then it's the place to be. Don't be afraid to take control of the situation early. In the battle for the armrest, all is fair -- so get in some good elbow jabs and forceful nudges. If not, you'll be lookin' like a fool sitting there with restless arms. 

And nobody likes a fool...

The Flavored Water Hoax

Vitamin Water, Propel, and now Special K Protein Water. While I commend the marketing teams for trying to convince us that such drinks are water, I'm here to tell you otherwise.

Just look at the picture of the Special K Protein Water. The so-called "water" comes in either lemon, strawberry, or tropical flavors. Hmmm that's interesting because I thought water was flavorless. Plus, the supposed "water" comes in different colors. Well that seems a bit odd considering water is colorless. Lastly, the nutrition facts of the K water record 8g of sugar. Well that can't be right, because as far as I know, water has no calories.

The jig is up Special K Protein Water - your true stripes are revealed. The drink isn't water, but rather some fancy protein juice. You can't fool me.

To all the people out there drinking the fake water products -- stop lying to yourselves. Propel isn't water. Sure it looks like you are being healthy and active, but you are not. Instead, you are feeding a juicy water addiction. It's okay if you like the stuff, really it is. But if you are going to drink the product then please own up to its content.

"You like-a da juice... the juice is good, eh?"

Either drink water or drink juice, but you can't have it both ways.

If Print News Dies, Then What Will We Read In The Bathroom?

Everyone keeps saying it, the newspaper industry is dying.  There is even a blog titled, "New York Times Death Watch." Take heed -- the end is near. However, if the day finally comes when there is no longer a newspaper to pick up at the end of the driveway, how will we cope? 

Don't get me wrong I like perusing the world wide web for news as much as the next person but there is something special about physically touching a paper.  The online world cannot replicate turning the pages of a newspaper, getting ink stains on your hands, or taking the paper into the bathroom for some heavy duty reading. 

I mean seriously, what will we do? Bring Kindle (the wireless reading device) into the bathroom - just won't have the same effect. There is something truly sacred about the newspaper/bathroom combo, and while progress is always good, the death of print news is anything but positive.

Missing The Childhood Juice Box

The other day I saw a commercial advertising juice boxes, and it reminded me how much I miss my youth. Lunchtime in grade school was the best. Hostess cakes, ding dongs, fruit snacks, PB & J sandwiches, and of course -- the juice box. 

As kids we would dump the food onto the cafeteria table, sizing it up against the goodies of our friends. 

"I'll trade you my oreos for your snack pack."

"No way! Snack pack pudding is the greatest!"

At last, the final piece of the puzzle concluded with the straw puncturing through the opening of the Motts juice box or the Tropical Punch flavored Capri Sun.  Now we eat our lunch with a bottle of water or popping open a can of soda -- just not the same. Something about a straw and squeezing the life out of juice box cannot be replicated with any other drink. 

Oh those were the days...

Chris Brown Beating Rihanna More Shocking Than A-Rod Juicing

Saturday, SI reporter Selena Roberts revealed news that A-Rod had tested positive for steroids in 2003.  Sunday, Chris Brown was sought on charges of domestic abuse for beating his girlfriend Rihanna.  The latter is definitely the more surprising news of the weekend.

A-Rod is a juicer, but is that really the worst thing he has ever done? Probably not. He has a laundry list of other offenses—divorcee, home-wrecker, liar, and choker.  The last one on the list is the most offensive.  A-Rod fails to perform in clutch situations, and thus the Yankees have been out of the World Series the past five years.

If only he had stayed in Texas drinking the juice, the Yankees might have reached number 27 or even 28 for all-time championship titles. That's why I hate A-Rod, not because he's a cheater.

"Cheating is for losers unless it helps you win and then it's for winners," says Jerri Blank (played by Amy Sedaris) in the ridiculous comedy central show Strangers With Candy.

Well I guess cheating really is for losers because A-Rod cheated and it hasn't helped him win. Sure he won a big contract with more money anyone could use in a lifetime, but most people can't stand the guy. The approval he is looking for from the fans is constantly lacking.

I almost laughed when he continually apologized to his fans in the Peter Gammons interview.  What fans? Nobody likes you.

As much as I dislike A-Rod for disgracing the Yankee uniform with his pitiful postseason play, I don't blame him for using steroids, nor do I even care.  The 2003 drug test was supposed to be confidential. Plus, it was merely a survey test to find out the pervasiveness of drug use in major league baseball.

A-Rod should not be penalized for testing positive on a test that had no right to see the light of day. The person who deserves all the blame in the steroids situation is none other than baseball commissioner Bud Selig. What a waste of space.

Stop acting surprised about steroid use. Baseball players are a bunch of insecure prima donnas in need of magic juice to help them perform. Well earth to Bud Selig—if you want to clean up the steroids mess, stop bringing up the past and players who cheated.  Instead, let's worry about keeping baseball clean in the present and future.

A-Rod said he has been tested about eight to 10 times since 2003 for steroid use. That's it? I was drug tested two times in the past six months. One time for college tennis and the other for a job. If you want to keep people from juicing, test them once a week.

During my random drug test experience someone checked underneath my shirt to see if I was packing a clean pee sample. The lady also watched as I peed into the cup. It was not pleasant, but certainly no way I was going to cheat the system.

If baseball doesn't hold the same standards for its players, i.e. constant testing and strict supervision during testing than what else can we expect but a league full of cheaters.

My opinion of A-Rod hasn't changed since Saturday. He's still the guy to put on the flattering blue sweater and try to make amends. He's still the guy with a ton of natural talent but lacks a genuine personality. He's still himself. He's A-Fraud.

Earth to abc.com: Fix the streaming video player!

Abc.com used to be the haven for episodes online.  I could catch up on Grey's, Desperate Housewives, or Lost no problem.  Not the case anymore.  The other day I was trying to watch an episode of Lost.  Well, that show requires 100% attention or as a viewer you are sure to be Lost. While trying to focus I kept getting distracted by the ineptitudes of the video player. The video would stop and start because of the long buffering process. Plus, the new system makes it difficult to press pause during an episode or change segments. In the end, I gave up watching and now I'm truly lost on Lost. If ABC doesn't get with the program they are sure to lose a faithful viewer.  I'll be forced to find my episodes on illegal websites.  At least the illegal ones know how to put out a quality product... well some of the time.

Say Buh-Bye To The Old Man Rocker

Did you catch the Super Bowl half-time show? I did, and it was far from a pretty sight. Over the hill white males should not be allowed to rock out in black leather on high def. television. Time to bring sexy back. Who cares if there are a a few wardrobe malfunctions?  Just please save my innocent eyes from more haggard old men.

My Nose Is Brown

I'm sick and tired of brown nosing, sucking up, kissing ass, and whatever other name you can think to call the act of feigning enthusiasm. In high school I was the Queen of the Brown Nosers. I acted with such authenticity that my teachers actually believed I loved school. Now, as a young adult in the real world, my ass kissing has subsided. Of course it couldn't have come at a worse time. Apparently I wasted all my kisses on the wrong people. Then again, perhaps the real problem isn't me; but rather, the compelling need we feel to suck up in order to get ahead. Not saying we should have a world full of Debbie Downers, but all this overblown passion gets a bit nauseating. Some things are stupid and pointless. Deal with it. Sure I might think differently when people start kissing my ass, but until then, I'm done with the brown nosing business.

What kind of cheese do you want on that sandwich?

Don't give into the peer pressure! Generally, peer pressure refers to drinking and doing drugs.

What about the peer pressure to add cheese to your sandwich? Perhaps, it is an overlooked pressure because so many people do it naturally or are forced to give in, but believe me the pressure exists.

I grew up in a household of turkey and tuna sandwiches. Not turkey and swiss or tuna melts. Just turkey and tuna -- plain and simple. Now that I've mingled amongst a more varied crowd, I've found that I'm generally alone in the no-cheese sandwich.

After numerous trips to Subway in which I decline the cheese option and get a "you cannot be serious" look from my sandwich maker, I decided to give in. I wondered what is all the cheese hoopla about? 

Sometimes adding a slice of swiss to a turkey sandwich proves to be the right move. Nevertheless, there are times when the thought of cheese on my sandwich is too much to handle and I must forego the option. On those occassions I continue to get the evil eye.

The other day I ordered a hamburger. The waitress asked if I wanted cheese. Well, if I'd wanted cheese then I probably would have asked for a cheeseburger. Of course when my hamburger arrived at the table it was all amuk with cheese. Perhaps the cook didn't believe someone would order a hamburger without cheese.

Try a google image search of "sandwich" or "hamburger." It's nearly impossible to find a picture without cheese. Do yourself a favor -- try a sandwich sans cheese; I promise it is just as good if not better.

Super Duper Chunky Monkey Bowl Dip

The Super Bowl is days away.  Woo hoo!  There is much more to the bowl of super than mere football.  The commercials, half-time show, and specialty foods are what it is really all about.  

Here is a great recipe:

Super Duper Chunky Monkey Bowl Dip

4 cups of velveeta cheese dip

15 green olives

Dash of rosemary

Teaspoon of sugar

1/2 cup of minced meat

3 slices of pineapple

1 stick of butter

Spoonful of peanut butter

2 cloves of garlic

Handful of orange peels

Mix ingredients together in a large bowl.  Keep refrigerated.  Enjoy!

Dealing With Morons

Morons are everywhere ... on the road, at the mall, in school.  We deal with them all the time, and we cannot escape them.  

Here are some moronic examples:

1. "Too many good docs are getting out of the business.  Too many OB/GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across the country," said President Bush Sept. 6, 2004.

2. Auditioning for shows like American Idol and So You Think You Can Dance knowing full well that you'll be humiliated on national television.

3. Allowing a professional football game to end in a tie.  Example: November 16, 2008 the Cincinnati/Philadelphia game ended in a 13-13 OT tie.  Better yet, Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb remained on the field unaware the game was over.   

As I said, people are morons.  Time for school to be cool so we can stop these jackholes from running the show.

President Bush said it best, "You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test." - Townsend, Tenn., Feb. 21, 2001.

Can't Survive Without That Morning Cup Of Joe

What is with the coffee love affair?

"Can't survive without my daily intake of caffeine!"

"I need some coffee so I can stay up and study."

"I have a headache because I didn't have my coffee this morning."

People say these things all the time because they are addicted to coffee. I have never had a full cup of coffee in my life, and I never plan to. If I'm too tired to be awake, then perhaps I should go to sleep.

Time to stop America's obsession with coffee, and here is why:

1. Coffee is expensive, those daily trips to Starbucks add up

2. Coffee may smell good but it isn't all that tasty. If it requires a large helping of cream and sugar then perhaps it isn't worth it

3. Coffee can take over your life. Not being able to function without your morning cup of joe. That's sad:(

Start saying no to coffee and yes to sleep. So what if you are a little less productive in the morning, at least you won't be addicted to coffee.

Subject Line (none)

In a high tech world where emails and texts overshadow letters and postcards, the ability to write clever concise phrases becomes more and more important. Sometimes however, more important than the content of an email, is the subject line itself.

The title of the email is the first thing a viewer will read and thus must catch the attention of the intended recipient without revealing too much information. In the picture above the subject line says "Happy New Year!" Then, the content of the email merely adds "Happy New Year, Duke!" In this case, the subject line is well used but the content of the email is flawed. The emailer should write more than one line or else such information is better meant for a text.

Of course, the typical "hello" subject line is perfectly acceptable, but also a bit overused. Certainly, when the emailer is simply catching up with an old friend the "hello" or "wassup" seems fine, but the more creative the better. Probably the most difficult subject line creations occur when the emailer is not that familiar with the emailee and in need of a favor. For example, asking someone for a letter of recommendation. It's already hard enough to track down those people, so you don't want to turn them away sounding too pushy in the subject line of your email.

Sorry, I don't have any full proof methods to escape the subject line dilemma. My best suggestion is to be creative, and if all else fails just reply to old emails.

Golden Globes Remix

The Golden Globes, like any award show, drag on to an interminable end. While there are a few noteworthy moments, it is not enough to keep the show on its current path of boredom. Time for a Golden Globes Remix.

To Keep:

1. Red carpet interviews - a good two hours designated for either being in awe of the celebrities and their beauty or making fun of them for poor wardrobe choices.

2. British comedian presenters - Ricky Gervais delivered some funny lines while presenting the best supporting actress award. "I told ya! Do a Holocaust movie," he said to Kate Winslet who won. Sacha Baron Cohen poking fun at the economic times with a jab at a popular celebrity: "Madonna had to get rid of one of her personal assistants -- Guy Ritchie." While the celebrities didn't respond with a laugh, the viewers at home were surely rolling in a fit of laughter on the couch.

3. Tina Fey, in any capacity - As Tina Fey accepted her award for best actress in a comedy series she told her online haters to "suck it!" In turn, the audience loved it. Then, when 30 Rock won for best comedy series, Tina Fey handed the Golden Globe over to co-star Tracy Morgan. Apparently the two agreed that"If Barack Obama won the election, I would speak for the show ... I'm the face of post-racial America. Deal with it, Cate Blanchett!" We are dealing just fine.

To dispose of:

1. The overly shocked incoherent winner - Sorry Kate Winslet, you are a great actress, but please work on your awards speech. Sure you've never won before, but that is no excuse to ramble on. You are an actress, so act like one. Give that speech with grace and elegance as if it were being filmed in a movie.

2. Best miniseries award - HBO has a lock on this award. Nobody watches these movies, or at least I don't. So let's stop awarding them a prize for being a quality production.

3. Poor writing for the presenters - Nothing is more aggravating than watching the presenters read the most kitchy dialogue as they are expected to banter with each other on stage. Whoever writes that cheeseball crap needs to up their game because the current lines aren't cutting it.

To introduce:

1. The giant cane from vaudeville - As the award winners blabber on with their thanks and praise, the music is not enough to get them to stop. Instead, we need a giant cane, like in the old vaudeville shows, to pull them off stage.

2. Substitute speech givers - If the award winning celebrity is in too much shock to give a coherent speech, then she should nominate someone else, hopefully a talented public speaker, to give the speech on her behalf. It could be another celebrity, a child, a man off the street. I really don't care as long as the person delivers a solid speech.

3. A savvy zipline system - Who wants to watch the celebrity slowly walk up to the stage in a crowd of hugs and kisses? Not I. Therefore, the show should set up an elaborate zipline system so that when a celebrity wins, he is quickly ziplined to the stage and the speech giving begins. No time to dilly dally.

Well that pretty much covers it. The Golden Globes aren't all bad, they are just in need of a few changes.

Fight the Man

At real hippy dippy schools the phrase "fight the man" is frequently heard. Fighting the man should not simply be reserved for the liberals and out of the box thinkers.  We all need to fight the man or else the man will get us down.  Who is this "man" that we so fervently speak of?  Well, the man is any group or person that works to oppress others.  Usually the man is an ingrained part of the societal structure.  For example, the government or the school board. Though such institutions seem innocent, they are often highly flawed and corrupt.  They tend to subvert what they claim to protect in their vows of goodness.

Well, here is my attempt at a poem/song/whatever to explain my current feelings on the world and my place within it.

FIGHT THE MAN

People complain about

The shit they gotta do

It's the same ole story

Oh let me tell you

People got their problems

Problems all they got

So here are some of mine

Listen up -- why not

Graduate from college

Here's the catch 22

You ain't got no experience

So nobody gonna hire you

But to get that first job

You need what you ain't go

So good luck a lookin'

At career builder a lot

Stand up - Wake up - Get up - FIGHT!

Fight the man

Cause the man is never right

Flickers make a fire

Embers make it blue,

Build it a little higher

Gonna be all over you

The world is my oyster

Some people say that with zeal

The world is your oyster

Oh yeah, get real

Study hard in school

Makes you kinda smart

Don't forget to brown nose

Or you'll be working at K-mart

Stand up - Wake up - Get up - FIGHT!

Fight the man

Cause the man is never right

Economy has tanked

World down the shitter

But have no fear

Obama's a hard hitter

He promises to deliver

And so deliver he shall do

Cause his duty is to his country

Oh yeah dats me and you

Before you get too excited

Let us not forget

Obama's still a politician

And politicians are rarely legit

Stand up - Wake up - Get up - FIGHT!

Fight the man

Cause the man is never right

This song just about over

Soon you'll be off the hook

But don't forget the lessons learned

Cause you won't find em in a book

Stand up - Wake up - Get up - FIGHT!

Fight the man

Cause the man is never right

Pants Need Pockets

Recently, I found a great pair of athletic pants. They were black with hot orange adidas stripes. Pretty freakin' cool. Just one problem, the pants did not have pockets.

I hate to recall the number of times I found a great pair of pants only to realize they don't have pockets. No pockets, no go.

Here are some reasons pants need pockets:

1. it's a more natural look
2. keeps your hands warm in the cold
3. great place to put chapstick, money, car keys, etc.
4. need I say more

People are always carrying around something and after awhile carrying that crap gets old. Henceforth, we need pockets. Pockets don't ruin pants; rather, they make them stylish and practical.

Perhaps worse, or at least definitely on the same level, would be athletic shorts without pockets. Seriously, what are these designers thinking? As a tennis player, shorts require pockets. Forget about the awkward sliding of the ball underneath the spandex. Not cool. Athletic shorts need pockets because you never know when you'll happen upon a tennis court and feel the need to serve up a few games.

This really isn't a complicated argument. Pants need pockets, it is just common sense. So earth to the clothes designers -- it's okay to get all fancy shmancy with your designs but remember clothes also need to be functional. No need to carry chapstick in your hand like a goofball when you could just keep it in your pocket and use as needed.

The Joys of Hanging With An Older Crowd

Recently, I have been hanging out with some older ladies. I've joined the 5.0 ladies interclub tennis team. While we may have a difference of opinion in our views on music, bed times, and quality TV shows, the one thing we can agree on is an appreciation of youth. My youth in fact. In the company of an older crowd, the young one of the group is often on the receiving end of a myriad of compliments. The compliments are rarely because the person is anything special, just because she is young, firm, and can still move without extreme knee or back pain.

"Oh to be young again."

"I just can't move like I used to."

"You have your whole life ahead of you, just wait until you get to be my age."

Hanging out with older ladies makes one realize how great it feels to be young. They seem to appreciate everything about you or at least your youthfulness, and in return it makes you feel better about yourself. See the old are good for something.

Happy New Year, Yada-Yada-Yada

New Year's Eve is just an excuse for a big party.  Alright, fine, I can dig it.  But let's not delude ourselves into believing it is truly the New Year.  The New Year begins in the fall when a kid makes that first step off the bus onto school property.  

Even when graduating from high school or college, the academic calendar is still the guiding force for the year.  People vacation during winter, spring, and summer breaks.  Somewhere in the family a kid is in school, and thus the academic schedule must be followed in determining vacations.  

Plus, who wants to ring in the New Year during the dead of winter.  Sure the days are getting longer, thank goodness, but not much feels new about January only the blistering cold.  

LZ

1-2-08, oops I meant 09